so close, and still so far

5 months from today, I am supposed to be getting married. 5 months from today, I am not getting married.

I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the stress of the wedding itself that tore us apart. Maybe it just never would have been right. Either way, here I am alone again.

I have to try and trust that God will lead me through this, that He will eventually bring me someone I really will spend the rest of my life with. I've been praying about this situation, and God has answered my prayers (well, some of them at least) in the most amazing way. Someone I thought was gone from my life forever is here again, and I couldn't be happier. An ex boyfriend and I started talking again a couple weeks ago. I prayed for God to bring him back into my life if it was right, and there he was at Water's Edge the next night. We talked then, at church the next Sunday, and in the parking lot of Chili's until 1 am the Tuesday after that. It was so wonderful to be there with him, spending time together and having fun conversations like we used to. Of course, at least one of those conversations centered around what went wrong, and what it meant that we were speaking again. I told him flat out how God answered my prayers, that I missed him, and that I wanted to give our relationship another try. And guess what. He didn't run away. In fact, he told me how sorry he was for how much he hurt me. He told me he wanted to be friends, for real this time. He held me in his arms and apologized for not being there for me, promised he wouldn't disappear again.

If that means anything, I don't really know. But every time I pray about it, I feel God telling me that this time it's going to be different. My ex said he wasn't ready for another relationship right now (and neither am I), but let's keep getting to know each other again and see where things lead. So at least that door is open. It's better than things have been between us in the last 3 years. I want to be with him again, that much I do know. I've always wanted to be with him. I think, now that both of us have had time apart to grow and figure things out, being together again would be amazing. I think we could actually make it work.

For now, I'm headed off to church with Tyler. I'll see my ex there, and hopefully we'll get to spend some time together. I just have to keep praying and trusting God that wherever this goes, it's going to be for the best.