we could run away, maybe we could change

Like I said almost 3 months ago... I'm bad at this.

It's amazing how things can change in such a short time. Brian is no longer part of my life. He and our relationship didn't turn out to be what I thought they were. It sucks, but I'm doing my best to move on. I think I'll be taking a long break from dating. Every relationship I have been in, even the ones I thought were good and healthy, ended up painful and disappointing. I don't think I can take any more of that. Not any time soon.

Classes will be over with a week from today, then two finals, then I'm out of here. I've decided to go back to GPC for a couple semesters and take pre-med classes, then apply to med school for the fall of 2013. I'm excited about it - it's nice to actually have a plan, and a timeline. Whether things will actually go accordingly, we'll see. But seeing as I've wanted to be a doctor literally since I could speak, I feel pretty confident that this is it for me.

I have a partial list of med schools to apply to: MCG, Mercer, and UNC Chapel Hill. I'm planning on volunteering at Emory Johns Creek Hospital, and hopefully I can meet a doctor or two willing to write recommendation letters.

I guess that's it for now. Time to venture out into the rain for my hour-long drive back home from campus. Only one more week of this...

this could be good, it's already better than that

It's been a long time. A really long time. I've been telling myself for probably a year now that I'm going to get back into blogging. Then I'll start a post and eventually forget about it. I have at least 10 drafts saved with nothing but one or two sentences.

So yeah, I'm a terrible blogger.

Things have been... going. I'm finally graduating from college this semester. On May 13th, to be exact. The ceremony is at 7 pm, then I'm shooting a wedding at 11:30 the next morning. Honestly, I would rather skip the graduation and just do the wedding. I'm not a fan of sitting in Sanford Stadium with thousands of other people for a couple hours, waiting to get a piece of paper that says "hurray, you graduated from college! Now good luck trying to find a job!"

Or for me, "good luck getting into grad school!"

Ugh. I don't mean to complain so much. It's just a stressful time. I guess it is for every other soon-to-be college grad as well.

Other than school, life is good. Brian and I are coming up on a year and a half together (for anyone who jumped from my last entry to this one and is really confused, Brian is "Date #3" from the last post). We've had some rough times like any other couple, but we've come out the other side stronger than before. I feel like being with him is a wonderful thing, a good place for me right now. Whether it always will be, who knows. For now, I'm happy to have a good man in my life.

We had a fabulous snow-filled time a couple of weeks ago, during which Brian and Chloe and I played outside and acted like kids. Of course, Chloe always acts like a kid. She is the Eternal Puppy. But we had fun times.





I think we make a cute family. :)

That said, I have mountains of German and Social Psych homework waiting for me. I'll try to be better about updating this thing, but no promises.

a tale of three dates

In the last two months since I called off my wedding, I've made a vow to be more open to different experiences. Who knows what could possibly change my life for the better? I feel like I've been missing out on things, not fully enjoying the real "college experience" and being out on my own. So, among other things, I have gone on three dates with three different guys in the last two weeks. If nothing else, I ended up with some fun stories to tell.

Date #1: A 24-year-old recent UGA grad. Blind date, actually, and from this experience I have learned that blind date = bad. Never again will I put myself through that horror. We met for coffee at Starbucks at 8:30, and I was gone by 8:45. This guy barely looked at me when he talked, and when he did look at me, it was a little south of my eyes - if you know what I mean. It was so awkward and awful that I texted a friend in the middle of it and had him call me with an "emergency" so I could have an out. Now I admit that I don't have that much experience with first dates, but I don't think that's the way it's supposed to go.

Date #2: A 27-year-old law student. This one was really cute and pretty easy to talk to. We had lunch at a Japanese restaurant downtown, and had a really great time talking and getting to know each other. We didn't stay very long because he had to go back to class, but hopefully we'll have another chance to hang out sometime soon. I've been getting occasional text messages from him, just sweet things like asking how my day is going. It's cute. :)

Date #3: A 31-year-old small business owner. He comes into Papa John's to order pizza every Tuesday, which is how we met. We went out for coffee after I got off work this past Tuesday night. We met at the same Starbucks where I went on the first, horrible date, but this one was much better. We sat there talking and drinking white mochas (yum!) until the place closed. We really didn't want to end the night, so we went back to my apartment where Tyler and his friend Marcus were hanging out. When my date walked through the door, he was immediately "attacked" by Chloe. Thankfully he didn't run away screaming. We sat out on the balcony with Chloe while Tyler and Marcus watched a movie. He finally left around 2 am. And yes, there was a little goodbye kiss. :)

Of all three, the last was definitely the best. I don't know if I'll see any of them again (well, I know I definitely won't see the first one), but it has been an interesting experience.

so close, and still so far

5 months from today, I am supposed to be getting married. 5 months from today, I am not getting married.

I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the stress of the wedding itself that tore us apart. Maybe it just never would have been right. Either way, here I am alone again.

I have to try and trust that God will lead me through this, that He will eventually bring me someone I really will spend the rest of my life with. I've been praying about this situation, and God has answered my prayers (well, some of them at least) in the most amazing way. Someone I thought was gone from my life forever is here again, and I couldn't be happier. An ex boyfriend and I started talking again a couple weeks ago. I prayed for God to bring him back into my life if it was right, and there he was at Water's Edge the next night. We talked then, at church the next Sunday, and in the parking lot of Chili's until 1 am the Tuesday after that. It was so wonderful to be there with him, spending time together and having fun conversations like we used to. Of course, at least one of those conversations centered around what went wrong, and what it meant that we were speaking again. I told him flat out how God answered my prayers, that I missed him, and that I wanted to give our relationship another try. And guess what. He didn't run away. In fact, he told me how sorry he was for how much he hurt me. He told me he wanted to be friends, for real this time. He held me in his arms and apologized for not being there for me, promised he wouldn't disappear again.

If that means anything, I don't really know. But every time I pray about it, I feel God telling me that this time it's going to be different. My ex said he wasn't ready for another relationship right now (and neither am I), but let's keep getting to know each other again and see where things lead. So at least that door is open. It's better than things have been between us in the last 3 years. I want to be with him again, that much I do know. I've always wanted to be with him. I think, now that both of us have had time apart to grow and figure things out, being together again would be amazing. I think we could actually make it work.

For now, I'm headed off to church with Tyler. I'll see my ex there, and hopefully we'll get to spend some time together. I just have to keep praying and trusting God that wherever this goes, it's going to be for the best.

During summer session, UGA is almost surreal. It's this huge campus normally teeming with students rushing from class to class, but from May to July it's quiet and almost relaxed. I can normally hear 5 or 6 conversations going on at once at Jittery Joe's, but right now I hear nothing. Total silence, except for the occasional cough or tapping of a keyboard. It makes me want to stay here all day and just escape everything.

I've been having a lot of dreams about my wedding lately. Dreams where everything goes wrong, like the most recent one in which I forgot to have my dress altered, there was no wedding cake, and another reception was going on where ours was supposed to be. I know these are completely ridiculous things that would never actually happen (even I, in all my ADD moments, would not forget to have my wedding gown altered), but I still wake up in freak-out mode. Then I see Mike next to me, sleeping peacefully with our puppy laying on his chest, and everything's better, at least for a little while. The thing that scares me is it makes me wonder if getting married is really the right thing for me right now. Maybe it's just pre-wedding jitters, I don't know. I hope so. The wedding is 6 months from tomorrow and I'm nervous that it's creeping up on me so quickly. I'm afraid we won't be able to get everything done in time, or something will be overlooked.

I just want December to be here and the wedding to be over with. I'm trying to deal with it all by just picturing myself with my new husband on our honeymoon, enjoying Disney World and looking forward to our new life together.

puppy update!

Mike and I picked up Chloe this morning, and she's doing great. We had so much fun playing with her and getting her used to her new home. After she sniffed everything in the apartment (and got sprayed in the face with water a few times for trying to get into the garbage), we took her out for a little walk and she met another neighborhood puppy. Hopefully soon we'll have some nice weather so we can take her to the dog park.

She really is the sweetest thing ever. She's so smart, too. She can already sit on command, and she's learning how to shake. The only thing we couldn't get her to do was take a nap! She was having too much fun playing and running around. 

Here are a few pictures of my little cutie:

You can tell just by looking at her how curious she is.

She's very affectionate, and likes to give hugs.

She also loves licking people...

...sitting in laps...

...and playing with Mike. :)

I'm sure there will be more pictures to come soon!

Thanks for all the prayers over the weekend, because it worked - Chloe is coming home tomorrow! 

I was a nervous wreck yesterday, calling the animal shelter every hour to find out if she'd been adopted. The two people ahead of me either decided they didn't want to or couldn't adopt her, or found another dog first, so now she's mine! Mike and I played with her a good while yesterday after filling out the adoption papers (she had to go get spayed before she could come home with us). She ran right up to me when she saw me coming to her kennel, and had a fun time running around the pen. She took to Mike right away, climbing up into his lap when he sat down to pet her. It was hilarious, actually. She's small, but not exactly a lap dog. We noticed we'll have to work with her on not jumping on furniture - she loved jumping up on the benches. But despite the jumping habit, she's really well-behaved. Unlike my first dog, she didn't go crazy when she saw another animal. Well, except for the Doberman that everyone was barking at! She's already learning to respond to her name, and seems to be pretty good walking on a leash.

Mike and I went to Walmart and Target to get dog stuff yesterday, and I had too much fun. I got her cute pink and blue striped bowls, a pink polka-dotted collar (with matching leash) and a pink heart-shaped name tag. Tyler laughed at me when I came home with all this stuff, but he's excited to have a dog around. 

I guess that's enough about my dog for one day. I'll post pictures soon, but for now here are the other two from the animal shelter website!

Mike and I have been thinking about adopting a dog for a while. My parents have my dog and I can't bring him here with me (something about him being a German Shepherd/Chow mix, the apartment managers won't let me have him...), and I miss having a pet. So today, we went to the Athens-Clarke County animal shelter and found the most amazing little puppy! We don't know if we'll be able to get her, because we're third in line for the adoption. But she's perfect and I'm praying so hard that I can have her. She's a 6-month-old lab/retriever mix, and the sweetest thing I have ever seen:

We were able to take her out of the kennel and play with her, and she was so much fun. She's a curious and playful puppy, but still calm and well-behaved. I'll find out Monday if I get her and, if all goes well, she'll come home with me Tuesday! I hope I'm not jinxing anything, but her name will be Chloe. :)

Pray for me; I know this little girl would make my world so much brighter!

Finals are (thank God) almost over. I nearly missed a psych final this morning because I thought it was at 9:00 when it was actually at 8:00. Thankfully I made it there in time, after miraculously not being pulled over for doing 80 all the way to campus. 

The last week has been pretty crazy, with finals, my birthday, and getting ready for Christmas. I was scared for a while that being out of work over the break would mean no money for rent or my car payment, much less Christmas gifts. But 12Stone's Intentional Acts of Christmas pretty much saved me. The church handed out $300,000 in cash to its members a couple weeks ago, to be used to help someone over the holidays. With the $100 each Mike and I got, we helped my parents buy Christmas presents for my sisters. Without that, they probably wouldn't have had anything. My mom's been out of work for almost a year, and my dad doesn't make much as a bookstore manager. Knowing that Christmas was the last thing they were worried about, it felt good to be able to help them (not to mention, I LOVE Christmas shopping). 

The Intentional Acts of Christmas ended up helping me too, though. A couple weeks ago I posted on the website about my needs, and someone contacted me and gave me a little bit of help. More than I expected, actually. It's because of things like this that I am learning day by day how to rely on God for my every need.

So now, I'm off to find my wonderful fiance a birthday present (he's 25 on Wednesday!), then study for my last final, Personality Theories. I will be nothing short of ecstatic when exams are finally over!

I think I'll try defying gravity

After being in Athens for six months, I think I have just now started to appreciate how awesome and beautiful this place can be. I lived here once before, about 14 years ago. But actually being a student at UGA is (expectedly) so much different. It has definitely taken some getting used to after going to Perimeter for almost three years. I went from a tiny college with five buildings to a huge university where I had to rearrange my schedule because 15 minutes wasn't enough time to get from class to class. It's impossible to get on a bus during class changes, just as impossible to find somewhere to study during finals week, and sharing a campus with 30,000 other students can get pretty overwhelming. But I can honestly say I have loved every minute of it. To me, there's something really cool about finding the perfect place to study (which I found yesterday - the second floor I didn't know existed in the Starbucks downtown), or sitting in the SLC with a coffee from Jittery Joe's and watching all the people walk by. They're such little things, but they make the whole experience even better.

Since I've been here, I've done a lot of thinking about what I want to do after graduation. I'm only a few classes away from having a BA in psychology, but there's not much in that field without a graduate degree. None of the grad school programs here looked that interesting to me, so I've decided to go back to my freshman-year plan of trying to go to medical school. This means I have to stay at UGA at least another semester beyond when I planned to graduate. I have to take six extra classes in chemistry and physics, and take the MCAT sometime in the next year or so. If you're wondering, yes, I'm crazy. I've wondered if I can even do it, because my grades have honestly not been wonderful lately. But I think if I really try and put my mind to it, 

I can get there somehow. 

I guess with this, and everything else, I'll just have to wait and see. 

I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see

Having had my old Livejournal since I was a junior in high school, I figured now was a good time to change. Everything else has been changing faster than I could have imagined lately, so why not this too? 

Right now I am sitting in the SLC, drinking a white chocolate mocha from Jittery Joe's, putting off studying for a test and being kind of amazed that I am actually here. I've been at UGA for almost  5 months now, and it's taken me this long to realize that I finally made it to the point in my life I've been wanting to be at for the last three (almost four) years. No more living with my parents and having every move I make criticized by my dad. No more family drama in my face every day. No more wishing every moment that I could just pack up and leave. 

Finally being out on my own has been a mixed blessing, though. It's a lot to get used to being responsible for everything from paying rent to making sure my car gets an oil change on time (which I haven't been very good at). There have been times when I have not been sure I would be able to buy food or pay my bills that week. But God has been there for me, and I have faith that He will continue to be there. As I've learned to honor Him with my finances by starting to tithe at 12Stone, He has been faithful in providing for me. The past two weeks, I gave 10% of what I had to the church, and the very next day I got a check in the mail. I used to think the whole "give and you shall be blessed" thing was just a scam for rich churches to get even richer, but I am beginning to understand the test of faith that it really is. Not to say I or anyone else should start sending checks to big-haired, charismatic televangelists, just that I have been blessed to see firsthand the faithfulness of God when you follow His will.

In the same respect, Mike and I have recently been challenged with following God. Almost two weeks ago, he put in his notice at work to take a job at which he will be making almost $2.00 less per hour. Next week he'll be moving to Athens, getting an apartment in the same complex I live in, and teaching preschool right across the street. Living almost an hour apart was really difficult for us, and after much prayer, Mike made the decision to change jobs to be closer to me. It's exciting, but I know it's going to be a challenge for both of us. He'll be challenged with living out on his own for the first time, and I'll be challenged with making sure that him being here doesn't affect my studies. It's going to be difficult, but in the end it will be worth it.

Writing this has effectively wasted about 30 minutes of what should have been study time, so I think I should get to that now.